"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
"I enjoy mythology, but am not religious about it"
"Your faith is not inspired by some divine constant truth. It is simply geography"
"The doubt of your faith is not god testing you, it is the truth trying to emerge and free you."
"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings."
"Scientology. Because Mormons needed something to joke about."
"Jesus hates figs" (Mark 11:12-14)
"Staying in bed shouting 'Oh my God!' does not constitute going to church."
"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers."
"If there there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion."
"I considered becoming an atheist, but there weren't enough holidays."
"My creation myth is better than your creation myth."
"Religion is a great comfort in a world torn apart by ... religion."
"Call my religion violent again and I'll kill you."
"The more I study religions the more I'm convinced that man worships only himself."
"Creationism doesn't required a leap of faith so much as a drunken tumble down Mount Dumbass."
"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings."
"I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world."
"What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."
"Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool. - Mark Twain
"If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."

The Jesus Interview - Money

Lawd Cheesy Crust

Interviewer: Firstly, Jesus, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.

Jesus: No probs.  Thanks for the money.

Interviewer: Uhm, we weren't going to mention that.

Jesus: Why not?  Money makes the world go round.

Interviewer: But your Word teaches a completely different message.

Jesus: It does?

Interviewer: Yes!  For example, "Blessed are the poor..."

Jesus: I never said that.

Interviewer:

Jesus:  Why the hell would the poor be blessed?  That's just nonsense.

Interviewer:

[interview stopped and restarted after a 10 minute lie-down by the interviewer]

Interviewer: Firstly, Jesus, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.

Jesus: No probs.

Interviewer: I guess the question on everybody's mind is "Why did you do it?"

Jesus: Do what?

Interviewer: Die for mankind so that we might be forgiven of our sins.

Jesus: What?

Interviewer: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Jesus: I died?

Interviewer: Uhm, yes.

Jesus: You can see me, right?

Interviewer: Yes...

Jesus: And you say I died?

Interviewer: Yes, and on the third day you were raised from the grave.

Jesus: Is this another one of those things in my "Word"?

Interviewer: Yes, look...

Jesus [speed reading]: Man, this is crazy.  Look, they don't even agree on the details.

Interviewer: The accounts can be reconciled.

Jesus: Reconcile all you want.  It never happened.

Interviewer: What do you mean?

Jesus: Let's see: God, i.e. me, gave His only son, i.e. me, to die. And then He, i.e. me, magically enabled me, i.e. me, to rise from the dead. All so that your bad shit could be forgiven by Him, i.e. me?

Interviewer: Yes.

Jesus: Why didn't He, i.e. me just forgive you?  That's what I would have done. What's with the creepy death and resurrection stuff?

Interviewer:

Jesus: Do you have any fun questions?

[interview aborted]

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Read further interviews with Lawd Cheesy Crust.