"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."
"I enjoy mythology, but am not religious about it"
"Your faith is not inspired by some divine constant truth. It is simply geography"
"The doubt of your faith is not god testing you, it is the truth trying to emerge and free you."
"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings."
"Scientology. Because Mormons needed something to joke about."
"Jesus hates figs" (Mark 11:12-14)
"Staying in bed shouting 'Oh my God!' does not constitute going to church."
"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers."
"If there there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion."
"I considered becoming an atheist, but there weren't enough holidays."
"My creation myth is better than your creation myth."
"Religion is a great comfort in a world torn apart by ... religion."
"Call my religion violent again and I'll kill you."
"The more I study religions the more I'm convinced that man worships only himself."
"Creationism doesn't required a leap of faith so much as a drunken tumble down Mount Dumbass."
"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings."
"I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world."
"What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."
"Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool. - Mark Twain
"If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."

The Jesus Interviews - Origins

Lawd Cheesy Crust

Interviewer:  Thank you for taking the time to talk to us.

Jesus: No probs.

Interviewer:  Today I'd like to discuss the question of origins.  In other words, who made you?

Jesus: What do you mean?

Interviewer:  I mean, everything has to come from something, so where did you come from?

Jesus: That rule only applies to stuff I made. I'm eternal, timeless, the Beginning, the End, the Preexistent One, etc.  I just am.

Interviewer:  I see.

Jesus: You do? Really?

Interviewer:  I think so.  You just are, you always existed, so you don't need to come from anything.

Jesus: Except that it's bollocks.

Interviewer:  Sorry?

Jesus: Yes, you're just messing with definitions.  You say everything has to come from something, except that to which the rule for some reason doesn't apply. Very convenient, don't you think?

Interviewer:  But you just said...

Jesus: I was just messing with you.  Uncle Zeb made me.

Interviewer: Uncle Zeb? Who's he?

Jesus: Dunno. Mum never told us.


Read further interviews with Lawd Cheesy Crust.