Because religion is laughable

Quotes

Stephen Fry Freethought Religion Quote Picture

"Religion is like having a classroom where the students have to show up every day, but there's no teacher.  There are a bunch of books around and no one is even sure which on is the text book. Some students insist on one book; others argue just as hard for another. Then suddenly, on the last day, the teacher appears and says he's been watching everybody the whole time. He praises the ones who chose the right text book and sends them off to have cookies and milk.

And then he sets everyone else on fire."
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“Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions. Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus.” (Thomas Jefferson)
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"You can't say something is 'real', and then claim it exhibits none of the properties of any other real objects, and can't ever be examined or analyzed empirically. That's pretty much a good definition of 'not real'" (PZ Myers)
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"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
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"What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." (Christopher Hitchens)
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"When inventing a god, the most important thing is to claim it is invisible, inaudible and imperceptible in every way. Otherwise, people will become skeptical when it appears to no one, is silent and does nothing."
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“If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.” (Edmond de Goncourt)
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"You don't see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery." (Aeolus)
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"I enjoy mythology, but am not religious about it"
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"Your faith is not inspired by some divine constant truth. It is simply geography"
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"The doubt of your faith is not god testing you, it is the truth trying to emerge and free you."
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"Dear Creationists. The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for you."
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"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings."
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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." (Susan B. Anthony)
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Christopher Hitchens religion prehistory quote picture

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"Scientology. Because Mormons needed something to joke about."
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"Jesus hates figs" (Mark 11:12-14)
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Staying in bed shouting 'Oh my God!'; does not constitute going to church."
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers
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Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it - George Bernard Shaw
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Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, I've seen one!
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There there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.
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I considered becoming an atheist, but there weren't enough holidays.
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My creation myth is better than your creation myth.
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What would Jesus do about the obscene wealth of the Catholic Church?
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When Jesus said "Love your enemies" I think he probably meant don't kill them
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Militant agnostic - I don't know and neither do you.
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No one ever died in the name of atheism.
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Don't tell me what to do.  He's not MY prophet!
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When religion ruled the world they called it the dark ages.
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Religion is a great comfort in a world torn apart by ... religion.
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Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.
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Call my religion violent again and I'll kill you.
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People who want to share their religious views with you rarely want you to share yours with them.
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Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
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The more I study religions the more I'm convinced that man worships only himself.
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I do not fear death.  I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. - Mark Twain
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Creationism doesn't required a leap of faith so much as a drunken tumble down Mount Dumbass
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The reason there is a conflict between science and religion is that science keeps disproving the things religion claims to be true
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The moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible
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Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.
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By all means, let's be open minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
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I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.
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Religion teaches the dangerous nonsense that death is not the end.
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I don't think God is an explanation at all. It's simply redescribing the problem.

You can't just say there is a god because the world is beautiful. You have to account for bone cancer in children. - Stephen Fry
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What worries me about religion is that it teaches people to be satisfied with not understanding - Richard Dawkins
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Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool. - Mark Twain
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If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. - Thomas Szasz
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If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers. - Steve Allen
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We, on our side, are praying to Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, too, for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us? - Abraham Lincoln
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You can't say something is real and then claim it exhibits none of the properties of any other real objects, and can't ever be examined or analyzed empirically. That's pretty much a good definition of 'not real'.
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We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
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Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. - George Carlin
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The difference between faith and insanity is that faith is the ability to hold firmly to a conclusion that is incompatible with the evidence. William Harwood
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You don't see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery
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The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.  The happiness of credulity is a cheap an dangerous quality. - George Bernard Shaw
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What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence - Christopher Hitchens
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I distrust people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires - Susan Anthony
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The doubt of your faith is not god testing you, it is truth trying to emerge and free you
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 Prayer like chronic gambling, you never talk about your losses
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Jesus walks into a motel, drops a hammer and three nails on the counter and says, 'Could you put me up for the night?'
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Jesus is coming... grab a towel!
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You don't need 3 nails to hang up a picture of Jesus.
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Fundamentalism  n.  The deep and horrible fear that somewhere, someone is having fun.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Man who fart in church sits in own pew.
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Being wrong louder doesn't make you righter.
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There is no Hell, but be nice anyway.

I contend that we are both atheists quote picture

I'm an agnostic Jehovah's witness, so I go from door to door without really knowing why.
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I am an atheist simply because I see no reason to be a theist.
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Skepticism is the agent of reason against organized irrationalism. -  Stephen J Gould
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Questioning all things blindly is no better than not questioning things at all
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Cretinism is the belief that the world is 6000 years old.
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If Atheism is a religion, then health is a disease! - Richard Lederer
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No Timmy, I don't listen to prayers...  I listen to metal - Jesus Christ
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A man without god is like a fish without a bicycle.
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There is no society in human history that ever suffered because its people became too reasonable -  Sam Harris
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Each day of your life, strive to be the type of person who will one day have their funeral picketed by the Westboro baptist church.
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"Good morning, sir. I'd like to tell you about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Is that a fact?"
"Uhm..."
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"If your relationship with Jesus is so personal, why do we keep hearing about it?"
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Keep your church out of my sex life...
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The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike. - Delos B. McKown
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I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. -Stephen Roberts
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If the Bible is mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust it to tell us where we're going? - Justin Brown
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
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KKK - a load of white sheet.
Atheist Quotes and One-liners
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I like mythology, but I'm not religious about it.
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The Pope is going to resign and to be honest I don't blame him. I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up.
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If you don't want us to make fun of your beliefs, don't have such funny beliefs.
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If there is free will in heaven, God had better not put out any lures again.
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Taliban marriage counseling - Have you tried throwing rocks at her?
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If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion. - Edmond de Goncourt
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Theology is ignorance with wings. - Sam Harris
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
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Your heart's desire is to be told some mystery. The mystery is that there is no mystery. - Cormac McCarthy
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I don't know... therefore God
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Jesus, I've got to update this thing! - God #Bible
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Never trust anyone with just one book. - Billy Connolly
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In the end, only kindness matters
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Funny how God's mysterious ways are statistically equivalent to chance
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Prayer, because magic lamps are crazy
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I prayed for freedom for twenty years, but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. - Frederick Douglass
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Religion is like a penis.  Just because you have one, doesn't mean we all want to see it!
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Religion, such a mythtake, and mything in action
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I thought about being an atheist, but that required too much thinking. - George W. Bush
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The secret to successful prayer is to be vague.
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A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence. Hume
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Not all those who wonder (sic) are lost.
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Religion sells the disease and the cure.
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Christianity appears just as dubious and incredible to an outsider as Scientology. It just doesn't have spaceships. - Chris Newell
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Every time I see a footballer thanking the gods for his goal, I wonder how many believers on the opposing team are having a crisis of faith.
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Worship me or I'll torture you forever. Love, God
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Heaven has been closed due to lack of existence. Apologies for any inconvenience caused - Jesus Christ
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Nature is pleased with simplicity, and affects not the pomp of superfluous causes. - Isaac Newton
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“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” - Galileo
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“I had to set limits to reason in order to make room for faith.” - Kant
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"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish."
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Most people cannot bear sitting in church for an hour on a Sunday. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for an eternity? – Mark Twain
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“To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.” - Woody Allen 

 Atheist Quotes and One-liners
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